“If I could only be a size… well a size smaller than what I am! Maybe two! THEN I would be happy!”, the words I would hear my mother say to herself every time she got dressed for the day.
To me, she was a beautiful queen… and if she was “fat”- then I MUST be too?
The struggle that began was one I believe I share with the majority of women. When we look at another woman we don’t have any idea of what her history is, what she is living with, what she may be overcoming on a daily basis. We tend to think that she has it all together.
But truth is, we are all in this together. We have all overcome so much.
We all are currently facing battles in our own lives and we all have things we are trying to grow through.
I remember my first official diet was in 3rd grade. From there food became a “good girl- bad girl” relationship and by jr. high I had been on countless diets and found myself bigger than most my age. Soon, I was officially labeled “obese”.
My father and his efforts to spur on my motivation to loose weight only brought deep damage and pain. Through verbal and physical abuse I quickly learned that my worth, my value and his approval could only come through my weight and my beauty. It was instilled that what others thought of me- was what I was.
Beating myself up daily.
I knew what to do diet wise, but why couldn’t I do it?!
I had the deep ambition.
I mean, I started with that ambition EVERY Monday for as long as I could remember- only to fall off by Tuesday or Wednesday.
Crying out to God claiming that I just needed more self discipline- more self control.
Begging God to free me from this cycle,
this shame, this sheer inner Hell I was in.
As a young teenager and into a young woman I didn’t know how to deal with my shame, with my guilt, with my broken bleeding heart. I didn’t know how to address my feelings of worth and beauty- nor did I even think they existed. I didn’t know how to address my pain or even begin to know the truth. So as time went on- I started handing it all over to the drive through window. But was always sure to hide any evidence.
I was never addicted to drugs or alcohol- but I liked food.
Because it soothed me.
Because it would make me feel a little better, for a little bit.
But then I would need a little more. And I would get a little more.
Feeling more shame and more guilt- I gave up to trying to loose weight.
And I found myself in the pit of addiction.
Trust me when I say that I had EVERY reason, every justification and every excuse to be obese. But just like any addiction I denied that food now had control over me and I denied that my discomfort was anything but the way I looked.
When I found myself in a size 28- I knew I had to do something- I knew that I could control my insatiable need for food if I could just simply burn more calories than what I was taking in! Simple government weight loss math right?!
But I was mortified to EVER set foot in a gym, after all, that’s where only “fit”, “skinny” people would go. So, after it was dark and no one would see me, I laced up my walmart shoes and hit the high school track. Only to find that this was going to be harder than I thought. Day in and day out I did what every diet had taught me to do; I counted calories, I measured and weighed my food, counted each day I was perfect. I looked at everyone eating things I loved- kicking and screaming that “its not fair”- “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” on the inside and pushing myself with the hate, the anger and shame I had held onto for so long. Learning to use that negative motivation to help me “abuse” my body into submission. As the reward, I started loosing weight. I started to be pursued by guys instead of ignored, I started to be noticed for my change instead of my imploding existence, praised for my hard work instead of my “sweet spirit”. Little did anyone know- the battle was raging stronger than ever inside this shrinking body. I counted the days between the binges, I weighed every day, I counted the hours until I could work out again. Still obsessing. But now, obsessing over the exercise that could balance out my insatiable food habit…
Can you relate to anything yet?? There is so much I have left out but could go on and on AND ON with stories… (if you work with me, more will come out.) I eventually got down to a size 5 and didn’t stay there for long. It was just a matter of time before I was triggered and binged harder and longer than ever before.
Law of Nature: EVERY deprivation/ restriction will be followed up with a binge/ abundance.
EVERY weightloss transformation story- has a story BEHIND the story.
And if that smaller body holds the same sinking heart of the larger one. Its just a matter of time before it fades. True transformation comes from the soul outward. Anything else is just addressing the symptoms.
Freedom takes place when we find our voice.
When we understand that with the power of choice we can create opportunities that can change the course of our lives forever.
We must be ready. And only you and God knows when that is. It’s a journey that you must have your bags packed and be ready to take.
To face, to feel and to deal with what is truly holding you back from living in that freedom…