I’m Krystal Bolduc

“The short story”

From the time I was a little girl I learned how to beat myself up to find daily motivation.

I knew what to do diet wise, but why couldn’t I seem to do it?!

I had a deep ambition.

I mean, I started with that ambition EVERY Monday for as long as I could remember- only to find myself back in the place of “starting over again.”

Crying out to God claiming that I just needed MORE self discipline- more self control.

Begging God to free me from this cycle, this shame, this sheer obsessive inner Hell I was in.

As a young teenager and into a young woman I didn’t know how to deal with my shame, with my guilt, my sadness, my aloneness, with my broken bleeding heart. I didn’t know how to address my feelings of worth and beauty- nor did I even think they existed. I didn’t know how to address my pain or even begin to know the truth. So as time went on- I started handing it all over to the drive through window. But I was always sure to hide any evidence that I had a problem, meanwhile hiding my pain and insecurity behind a sense of humor and a fake confidence.

I was never addicted to recreational drugs or alcohol- but I liked food.

Because it soothed me.

Because it never told me no or refused to spend time with me.

Because it would make me feel a little better, or at least for a bit.

Feeling more shame and more guilt, tasting the false victory of being “skinny” for just a short bit of time. I would soon find myself back to the size, weight and shame I had started with.

After losing 100lbs 3 different times (let alone all the lbs. in between).

I finally found myself sick, exhausted, depressed, hopeless, alone and ashamed- leading me to suicidal attempts.

Until I had a breakthrough thought…

“Maybe the problem isn’t about the actual weight.

Maybe the problem lies in why I can’t keep it off.”