I’m Krystal Bolduc…
“The short story”
From the time I was a little girl I learned how to beat myself up to find daily motivation.
I knew what to do diet wise, but why couldn’t I seem to do it?!
I had the deep ambition.
I mean, I started with that ambition EVERY Monday for as long as I could remember- only to find myself back in the place of “starting over again.”
Crying out to God claiming that I just needed MORE self discipline- more self control.
Begging God to free me from this cycle, this shame, this sheer obsessive inner Hell I was in.
As a young teenager and into a young woman I didn’t know how to deal with my shame, with my guilt, my sadness, my aloneness, with my broken bleeding heart. I didn’t know how to address my feelings of worth and beauty- nor did I even think they existed. I didn’t know how to address my pain or even begin to know the truth. So as time went on- I started handing it all over to the drive through window. But was always sure to hide any evidence that I had a problem, meanwhile hiding my pain and insecurity behind a sense of humor and a fake confidence.
I was never addicted to recreational drugs or alcohol- but I liked food.
Because it soothed me.
Because it never told me no or refused to spend time with me.
Because it would make me feel a little better, or atleast for a bit.
Feeling more shame and more guilt, tasting the false victory of being “skinny” for just a short bit of time. I would soon find myself back to the size, weight and shame I had stared with.
After losing 100lbs 3 different times (let alone all the lbs. in between).
I finally found myself sick, exhausted, depressed, hopeless, alone and ashamed- leading me to suicidal attempts.
Until I had a break through thought…
“Maybe the problem isn’t about the actual weight.
Maybe the problem lies in why I can’t keep it off.”